


I'll Be Busy Burning

by philcantwerk



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, henlo im back, not really talked about in depth but mentioned a few times, this is sad im sorry, tw as well for suicide attempt and eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 02:31:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philcantwerk/pseuds/philcantwerk
Summary: phil is a youtuber and dan has a twitter account where he talks about his problems (imagine this: i can write summaries) . (TW: depression, suicidal intentions, suicide attempt, eating disorder)





	I'll Be Busy Burning

One thing Dan never understands about life was how time could go so quickly yet a day felt like a year. He felt as though every morning was a new day of predicaments and obstacles to trip him up and beat him down. It was strange, to live life but not really feel it, but that seemed to be how Dan was getting through. 

 

He was originally looking forward to his time off for the summer but everything had just become worse. The same questions were repeated over and over in his mind: what was he doing? Where was he going? Was there even a point anymore? The last one seemed the most poignant at the moment. 

 

He had a job that kept him occupied for most of the day, working in a cafe in the centre of Wokingham. His hands were busy, his mind was on other things, it was hard to wonder. Wonder if it would really matter if he just packed up and never looked back. Most of the time it felt like it wouldn't. His fingers would tremble as he scribbled someone's name on their coffee cup. 

 

Due to how loud his thoughts were, Dan had gone seeking an escape for the night's where there was nothing else to drown them out. He barely slept anymore, so that was no longer an option. He'd made himself a Twitter under a username that wasn't his full name so his friends were less likely to find it, and basically used it as his diary to the world. He was surprised about how quickly he gained a following. 

 

'today seems like a beautiful day to end it all. the clouds are grey and so am i' 3 favourites, 1 retweet. 

 

England was never known for good weather, but this winter seemed devastatingly worse than the ones before. It had been raining for the past two days, and although it had stopped today, the atmosphere was just as miserable. Dan had given up on straightening his hair; the rain only curled it on the 10 minute walk back after he finished his job. It's not like he had anyone to impress, anyway. 

 

It felt more like a chore than a life to live. Each day felt the same; starting and ending with nothingness. Dan still lived with his parents, but they no longer checked on him. He knew he'd let his father down by staying in every weekend and turning down every offer to leave the house, and there was no way his mum wouldn't take his dad's side. 

 

'maybe someone will notice. it feels like forever since i've had a friend' 2 favourites, no retweets. 

 

He'd stopped eating dinner with his parents. 

 

Winter came and went with celebrations and presents and families and wine and too much pudding oh god and Dan just couldn't catch a break. The cold felt like it had crept into his chest and wrapped around his lungs; he could still breathe but it was biting and unpleasant. He didn't want to breathe. 

 

February started with a video being retweeted onto his Twitter feed. Dan would never tell anyone, but he was kind of proud of his account now. @danisnotonfire had 500 followers and counting, and he'd actually made some friends out of it. He clicked the video. 

 

A boy with messy black hair and skin that made Dan's heart race popped up on his screen. The video was only 42 seconds long, but Dan felt as though it lasted a life time, watching the boy drawing messily on his own face, eyelids shut and eyelashes thick and oh god he was beautiful. Dan bit his lip. The video ended and Dan clicked back onto his Twitter tab, tapping softly on his keyboard as if he was typing a secret out. 

 

'it seems as though i don't know myself as well as i thought i did.' 4 favourites, 3 retweets. 

 

He found himself back on the black haired boy's youtube again later that night. He'd uploaded 29 videos, one of those being the one Dan had watched that day. It didn't take him long to work his way through the rest. 

 

He clicked subscribe and felt the need to take a shower, to wash off something dirty. 

 

The boy became a big part of Dan's life over the next few months. By May, they had had a few interactions on Twitter which had made Dan's palms sweat and he felt as though this was just the beginning. 

 

His followers had picked up on the fact that he was watching 'amazingphil's videos, and urged him to make some of his own. Dan thought this was a good idea until he opened his webcam and saw himself staring back. 

 

He didn't know what he was expecting, but for some reason it wasn't this. His clothes were old and tatty, his hair looked flat against his head and his dull brown eyes were like a curse staring straight back at him. He shut his laptop and vowed never to grow too big for his own boots again. 

 

'it's strange seeing yourself. it's like, there's the person i hate more than anything' 7 favourites, 3 retweets. 

 

Dan's job was the only reason he left the house anymore. It was a welcome break from his brown walls that made everything melt into one, but Dan couldn't help but feel like there was something more. He'd started looking at universities, and maybe one far away would be a good idea. Sometimes it felt like this town was trying to suffocate him. 

 

'new video up! ^__^ retweet for <3!!!!' 22 favourites, 30 retweets. 

 

'i retweeted! got any love for me?' 

 

'<<333 :]' 1 favourite, 1 retweet. 

 

Sometimes that was all Dan needed to make it through another day. 

 

The summer made Dan feel sticky. He wore long sleeves even during the heatwave as he couldn't stand looking at his own body. Knowing that he was made up of skin and muscles and bones and dreams made him feel sick. 

 

There were more people in the cafe over the summer months, so Dan worked longer hours. Not that he really minded; he had nowhere else to be. 

 

He liked to consider Phil his friend now. They talked occasionally on Twitter DM's, and last night Phil asked for his skype. Dan had provided his username with shaky fingers and worry stuck just underneath his adam's apple, making it hard to breathe. 

 

One thing he'd come to notice about Phil was that the boy radiated light and love and everything good. He found it unbelievable that Phil would pick him as a friend of all people. Dan was cold and bland and loved spending time on his own. Phil was an adventure, Dan was the safe route home. 

 

'sometimes i think about what it would be like to have someone who actually liked me' 14 favourites, 10 retweets. 

 

'i like you!! :]]' 2 favourites. 

 

'you like everyone phil, that doesn't count' 1 favourite. 

 

Dan thought it was strange, how Phil stuck around. They began to skype regularly, as Dan had nothing else to do and Phil was constantly in the mood for a chat. Most of their calls would consist of Phil telling stories animatedly, and Dan listening, content. He liked Phil, the boy was like the ocean washing over the blisteringly hot sand of Dan's life. 

 

"Have you ever considered the fact that death is inescapable? I think that's crazy, that it's the only thing that we're promised in our lifetime," Phil was looking at the screen rather than the camera, and Dan was looking at his bitten nails. "We're all here just to die at the end of the day. Everyone is living to die. Do you ever think about death?" 

 

Dan coughed, looking towards his door. "My mum's calling me down for dinner Phil. I'll call you later."

 

With that he was gone. The silence somehow felt louder than Phil's constant ramblings, but Dan couldn't find comfort in this. He couldn't find comfort in this life. 

 

'sometimes it feels like i'm drowning and i don't know how to stop but i also don't want to' 17 favourites, 14 retweets. 

 

Dan quickly decided that August was the worst month of 2009. He was 18 and technically he was an adult but he'd never felt so small. It was as though he became numb to time; each day blending into one as he worked and worked and oh god when would this end? 

 

'i'm just ready for it all to end fuck just let it end' 12 favourites, 8 retweets. 

 

Phil's name pops up on his laptop screen. Call incoming. Dan bit back his tears as he pressed answer. 

 

"Hey Dan!" Phil waved excitedly and Dan felt as though he was hanging over the edge of a cliff, held up with nothing other than Phil's selflessness. "I was in town today and I saw something that made me think of you..."

 

Much to his own surprise, August came and went just like every other month had done. Dan had decided to take a gap year before going to university, telling his parents that he needed to find himself before he entered the real world. He didn't mention that the thought of university made his stomach clench and his fingers start to fidget against his will. 

 

Phil seemed to be the only thing on Dan's mind anymore though. He felt less as though he was finding himself, and more like he'd found Phil. Which, in a way, was a good thing, as Dan didn't really want anything to do with himself anymore. And Phil was a good distraction. 

 

'it's funny how one moment life is okay and the next you can't fucking breathe' 24 favourites, 13 retweets. 

 

Most nights were painful, and Dan had gotten used to that. But sometimes, every so often, it felt like he was being strangled and he couldn't fucking breathe and it didn't even matter because he never fucking wanted to but fuck he just wants a break he's so used to the pain that it's normal but feeling numb is so much worse-

 

"Hey Dan!" Phil smiled, leaning in towards the webcam. "How are things?"

 

Dan wasn't sure why he'd answered. It was one of Those Nights, and he didn't even realise Phil had been calling into he'd answered. It had almost been reflex. 

 

"Can you hear me? My internet has been so crap recently, I was skyping Stephan the other day and I told a 5 minute story before realising that he was frozen. I feel like such an idiot when that happens, you know?"

 

That's all it took. Dan crumbled there and then, unable to hold back anymore. What was Phil doing? He deserved so much more than Dan, a boy who couldn't even look after himself; who didn't even want to. 

 

"Shit Dan, what's wrong? Are you home alone? Are you okay?" Dan could hear Phil's voice crack even through the fuzzy speakers on his laptop, which only made him cry harder. Phil shouldn't care. It shouldn't matter. Dan shouldn't matter. "Dan listen to me, I'm here yeah? I'm not going anywhere. Talk to me."

 

Dan didn't even know where to begin. He was so desperate for someone to hold him close, to stop him from falling into a million tiny pieces, but Phil was 4 hours away. Phil had a different life, his own problems. He didn't need this. 

 

"It's fine," Dan choked out. "I've just had a rough day. You know how it is."

 

Phil sighed. "Tell me the truth."

 

"I don't think I can."

 

'i don't even understand what i'm feeling anymore. i don't think i'm feeling anything' 14 favourites, 10 retweets. 

 

Dan books train tickets to go see Phil at 2 o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday. He smiles as Phil whispers on the other end, telling him that he's already started planning what they can do together. He feels as though maybe it's going to be okay. Not good, but okay. 

 

"How have you been feeling recently?" Dan feels Phil tiptoeing around the subject. He'd eventually told Phil about a week ago after he'd gone out with a few friends for the first time in forever and gotten too drunk. It was messy and horrible and too too much to tell someone you didn't even know in real life but Phil listened and cried and told Dan that he loved him and wasn't going anywhere. Dan told Phil that it didn't matter whether Phil stayed or not, because he was ready to go. 

 

"I'm okay." Dan played with the fraying sleeves of his jumper, which was suddenly keeping him too warm. "Did you see that video I retweeted on Twitter earlier today?"

 

He didn't miss the look of pity in Phil's eyes, but was grateful that the boy humoured him and moved on without a problem. 

 

'sometimes i get angry that i'm like this but then i remember that i only have myself to blame' 19 favourites, 23 retweets. 

 

The train journey to Manchester gave Dan a headache. He couldn't stop his brain from thinking and his fingers from fidgeting and his fringe wouldn't stay in fucking place-

 

Phil's arms sort of felt like home in a way Dan didn't understand. 

 

He was taller than Dan had imagined, but it made him feel as though he was being protected. 

 

"Shall we play a game?" It wasn't even late before it was pitch black outside. Dan's feet hurt from all the walking they'd done that day, but his heart felt warm. He couldn't help but smile at Phil's voice, which had broken the comfortable silence between them. 

 

"Like what?"

 

"Truth or dare?" Dan snorted. 

 

"I'm too lazy to do any dares. And it's not fun when there's no alcohol involved." 

 

"Who said there wasn't going to be any alcohol?" Dan looked up at that, which made Phil laugh out loud. "I thought that would get your attention."

 

"Fine. Let's play truths." 

 

They began the game, deciding the rules were you drank if you didn't want to answer the question. In between they drank as well to warm themselves up and make it easier to open up. 

 

"What was your first opinion of me? Like when we skyped for the first time." Phil smiled at that, absentmindedly running a hand through his hair. 

 

"I thought you were odd. I thought you put up a front and you weren't really showing your true self. I still think that sometimes. But I liked you from the beginning. I always wanted to get to know you more." Dan smiled down at Phil's carpet, pulling at it gently. He guessed Phil was right. "What's your sexuality?"

 

Dan felt his stomach drop at that. He looked up at Phil for the first time in a while, like a deer in the headlights. It didn't take him more than a second to pour himself a shot and down it. 

 

"What's your sexuality?" Dan fired back after recovering from the burn of the vodka going down his throat. 

 

"I don't know. I like guys and girls but I think I like guys more," Phil shrugged and Dan felt a pang of jealousy for how easy he made it look. He wondered if he'd ever be comfortable with himself like Phil was. "You still don't wanna answer?"

 

"I don't know." Dan avoided Phil's eye contact as he spoke. "I think I like guys, but the idea of that makes me feel sick. I'd rather just be normal, you know? No offence," Phil waved Dan off, not bothered by the comment. "I don't want to stand out in any way."

 

"What makes you think you might like guys?"

 

"I think I've kind of known for a while," Dan mused. "It's just become more...obvious now."

 

Phil deemed this as an acceptable answer as he looked Dan up and down. Dan couldn't help but feel as though he was 2 feet tall. 

 

'it's strange saying stuff out loud for the first time. it makes it feel real' 2 favourites, 3 retweets. 

 

It was December before Dan saw Phil again (in the flesh of course, as every spare moment was spent on skype to him). He travelled down and couldn't help but feel exactly the same as he had two months prior. He was beginning to feel as though he fit into his skin, but something about Phil made him feel like a spec of dust in the real world. 

 

Dan couldn't help but notice there was a shift in their relationship over the past few weeks. Phil had become more flirty, and sometimes Dan would flirt back. He'd also begun showering more regularly. It had become hard for him not to feel dirty. 

 

Life had gotten to a point where Dan had accepted that it was never going to get better. It wasn't some blockbuster movie that ended with Dan falling in love and happy, but it wasn't a nightmare where he took his own life. It was the limbo in between, where Dan had learnt to deal with the numbness, and he couldn't breathe but he also couldn't remember how it felt to breathe so it wasn't really a problem. 

 

'every time i cross the road i can't help but hope i'll get hit. i don't want to kill myself but i still want to die' 24 favourites, 32 retweets. 

 

They ended up watching movies all day when Dan got to Phil's. Again, his parents were away, so they were free to lounge around and do what they wanted. Dan enjoyed Phil's presence and the movies they watched were some of his favourites, but he couldn't help but feel empty. He tried to remember the last proper meal he had eaten before the task gave him a headache. 

 

"Are you okay?" Phil was looking at Dan with a worried expression and that's when Dan realised his brown was furrowed. 

 

"Of course," Dan smiled, but Phil's gaze didn't ease up. 

 

"Dan-"

 

"No."

 

"We need to talk about this at some point." Dan shut his eyes firmly, wishing for the moment to pass. 

 

It wasn't his fault that some nights it got so bad all he could do was ring Phil. It wasn't his fault that his fingers trembled uncontrollably as he told Phil everything that he'd been holding in, only to brush it off the next day. Only it was. 

 

"We don't need to," Dan said weakly, knowing the battle was already lost. 

 

"It's okay Dan," Phil closed the distance between the two and pulled Dan onto his lap. "You don't have to rush. We've got all week."

 

Dan laughed hollowly, burying his head into Phil's chest. "Let's save it for another night then."

 

It wasn't brought up again. 

 

'im screaming for you why can't you hear me you're all i want' 25 favourites, 12 retweets. 

 

Weeks turn into months and before Dan even realises it's summer again. For some reason, Phil and him have become even closer than he thought possible. They'd even discussed moving in together in September. Dan couldn't help but feel like he was swallowing wool at the thought. He couldn't hide his habits from Phil then. 

 

Of course, the boy had kind of noticed already. They didn't see each other in person often, but Dan was so impossibly thin and always bundled in layers upon layers of clothes that it was impossible not to notice. 

 

He'd told him once too, in one of his drunken calls. 

 

"I haven't eaten a proper meal for a week," Dan hated that he was proud of him. Phil had to try harder to bite back the tears. 

 

It was August now though, and the two had met in the middle. The Southbank was beautiful, if a bit crowed, on a summers day, and Phil looked beautiful. Dan had given up on denying to himself his feelings for the older boy. It didn't seem to be a problem between the two if Phil knew. 

 

"Are you gonna eat that?" Phil points at the packet of half eaten crisps by Dan's side and watches as the boy pushes them to Phil. 

 

"All yours," Phil's happy that he's got Dan to eat a wrap on top of the crisps, so accepts the packet from Dan readily. 

 

"The crisps are, or you?" Phil jokes, shading his eyes from the sun. 

 

"Both," Dan replies easily, a shadow of a smile on his lips. 

 

'i think if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't be around anymore' 12 favourites, 13 retweets. 

 

Dan moves into Phil's flat on a Wednesday, and the clouds are grey and Dan's choking. 

 

His privacy is no longer his alone; he shares it with Phil. 

 

It's not until a week later that he breaks down. 

 

Phil is there, of course he is he never fucking isn't Dan can't escape him for a second he just needs to breathe but it feels like Phil's stuck in his throat and wrapped around his lungs-

 

Dan has a panic attack on their living room floor and Phil holds him too tightly afterwards, holding him together.

 

'i thought it was going to get better. i'm so fucking stupid' 34 favourites, 22 retweets. 

 

Dan falls in love with Phil every Sunday when they binge watch anime and fall asleep next to each other on the sofa. 

 

He falls out of love every Monday morning when he has to close all the cupboard doors and tidy up the cereal boxes Phil has finished off. 

 

He falls back in love every time Phil walks in after he's done tidying, with mismatched socks on and a smile that's contagious. Dan can never stay angry. 

 

"I'm in love with you," it kind of comes out of nowhere, but it feels right. They're eating the dinner Phil cooked for them, and they're joking about Phil's latest video. 

 

Phil smiles and huffs out a laugh. "I'm in love with you too." Dan hates to admit it but it kind of feels easy. 

 

'i'm so damn lucky i found you' 12 favourites, 15 retweets. 

 

It's 2 in the morning in December when Dan decides he's finally had enough. He tells Phil in a levelled voice that he's taken 13 paracetamol and he sobs as Phil calls the ambulance. It doesn't feel like the end. 

 

The next day is by far the worst Dan has ever experienced. His body is fighting off the painkillers and when he throws up it hurts and when he looks at Phil it hurts. 

 

He looks like he hasn't slept in years. Dan doesn't think he's ever seen him look so serious. They don't speak all day. 

 

In the evening when Dan is allowed to go home, Phil pays for the taxi and helps Dan up the 14 flights of stairs to their apartment. Dan doesn't complain when Phil gets in bed next to him, whispering about how scared he was. 

 

'i don't think i'm ever going to forgive myself for putting you through that' 2 favourites, 1 retweet. 

 

They kiss for the first time on a Friday evening, when Phil is trying to describe some movie he saw a few years ago and his eyes are lit up and his movements are animated and Dan feels like the flat is a home. 

 

It's bumpy and Phil asks him if he's okay with it about 5 times before they share a kiss that lasts longer than a few seconds, but Dan feels warm inside. 

 

It's February and it's cold but that night he sleeps in Phil's bed and it's okay it's all okay. 

 

He goes to therapy and he works in the cafe a few minutes from their house and he eats 3 meals a day and his biggest regret is the night he tried to kill himself. He doesn't tell Phil that enough. 

 

And he's not happy, but he's beginning to feel like he could be, if Phil's by his side. Maybe, one day. 

 

'gonna delete all my old tweets. starting this account fresh and i'm gonna make it about the good things in life' 4 favourites. 

 

'i love you' 1 favourite. 

 

'i love you even more' 1 favourite.

**Author's Note:**

> follow my tumblr if you like: apologyphan.tumblr.com :) sorry this is so miserable it was just on my mind and i wanted to write it down (also sorry its kind of shit)


End file.
